Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
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Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.