MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
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ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Stick it to the man
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
wut hotdog?
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase