Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
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if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Lassie, get help!
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.