Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
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ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.