Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
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familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself