Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
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“OMGJK” -atheists
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
This meal prepping shit easy
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”