i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
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Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?