I feel it
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Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken