“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
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People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Stonehinge
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”