HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
You Might Also Like
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go