Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
You Might Also Like
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA