Saw your ex at the shops
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After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
normalize having existential bread
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
🙋♀️
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.