If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
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Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.