Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
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the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
So true for me
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.