Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
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#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
what do you want!!!!!!!!
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.