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Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Don’t snitch tag.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!