“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
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To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.