me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
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The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Plumber: I think I found the problem
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL