Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
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Me if I was a dog
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.