Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
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I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Ape together strong
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
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Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
dam girl
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.