youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
You Might Also Like
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Happy Star Wars day!
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.