I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
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king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT