Atheists are Popeless romantics.
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“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]