STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
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[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Cake!!
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench: