Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
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Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
🤣🤣
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
termite twitter scares me
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat