The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
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It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Sorry not sorry.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”