When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
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Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
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[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
That’s classic.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.