Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
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My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.