That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
You Might Also Like
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it