the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
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[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.