Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
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Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.