You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
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My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down