I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
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Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…