[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
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Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t