[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
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Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby