Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
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how much does a mortician urn in a year
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
*aggressively waits in line*
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.