My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
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i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
584.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue