FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
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let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.