If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
You Might Also Like
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
A family that plays together cheats.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?