my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
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Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
when someone rings the doorbell
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.