I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
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How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Velcrow
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.