Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
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Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait