Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
You Might Also Like
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
😂💯
Bringing home a sharpie
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
DOOO EEEET
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”