I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
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The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭