Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
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When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
“What movie?” 🤔
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”