I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
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Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed