I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
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What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
I have a type: disappointing
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline