“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
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17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school