[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
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Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
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Expectations vs. Reality
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA