NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
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“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]